I feel like I owe it to myself to write about this to come to terms with it.
I don’t know, I just feel like whenever I actually go out and write about whatever it is that’s either hindering the dark crevices of my mind or a simple thought of the day I want to play around with it, it just feels like I’m actually attacking the elephant in the room by doing so.
It’s pretty powerful stuff, this writing stuff.
And it’s even more powerful when you do it because you love it, and to somehow delude yourself into thinking people care about what you have to say.
Whoa, that got dark quickly. Ha, ha, ha but really I’m just joking about the whole delusion thing.
Anyways, here I go beating around the bush as I always do when I’m nervous and don’t want to admit to anything.
But you know what, I’m admitting this to my own self and shouldn’t be so damn scared to say it but quite frankly it’s scarier than asking for a day off from the boss (that shit is scary, all right).
I want to change my major. I want to pursue english, writing, creativity, whatever it is.
I’m currently a biochemistry major right now and it’s not that I hate the major, but I just know I’m sort of lying and kidding myself by continuing to pursue this major.
I just don’t feel like it’s right for me to waste away a spot in biochemistry if my mind isn’t there.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of heart for it, a lot of “drive” to end up with a B.S. in biochem but who doesn’t?
If my mind is constantly wandering in “la-la” land by doodling nonsensical images onto lecture notes and wondering when the fuck I’m going to get out of class to do “more important things” with my time, is that really a student made for this major?
And it’s not like I have the ability to soak up all this math and science like I’m some level 80 wizard and cast all my profound knowledge on an exam.
No, that’s just not the reality.
I need to be busting my ass off or keeping up a steady, constant routine of being on top of my reading and shit to do somewhat well in these courses.
And then it just hits me like a steamroller.
I’m just so not cut out for this.
I’m not cut out for my “dream” of working as a neurosurgeon or even a speech language pathologist it seems.
I know in other people’s eyes in the future that if I was to carry some sort of medical profession as the end result it would look hella fucking good for me.
I would be that successful kid that did turn out all right after all and is doing something with her life.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?!
I’m going to do whatever I want, AMERICA (READ: KOREAN CULTURE OF GOSSIPING LADIES/AHJOOMAS).
But really, I need to let go of this constant fixation for myself that I need to be something great via being a doctor or whatever. I know I’m not helping my case as of this moment of being seen as this super humble street peddler that wants to follow her dreams, if her “dream” this time being was to make dat cold hard $$$, but I swear that wasn’t the primary motivation of me aspiring after a field of medicine.
To insert an obligatory pity, sob story of why I wanted to go into medicine for the money is simply because I want to be able to fully support my dad whenever I do land myself a career.
And honestly speaking, it just seems like a profession in the medical field is the most viable option in terms of financial stability in this cold, cold world.
And let me further justify myself in an attempt to look good and not cruel; I really do have a strong love for the sciences and neurology. I just absolutely am tickled fancy by it and think it is one of the most beautiful workings in the world. Yet I’m starting to realize the way I love it, the way I appreciate it is in an art form.
It’s not a form of appreciation where I’m able to extract every nuance of it and put myself through subjects I hate for it – math.
Oh, and I guess the most important thing I’m leaving out is that my GPA is just so cringe worthy you wonder why I’m even sticking to this whole college spiel.
No, I’m not exaggerating of how bad my GPA is. She must just be saying this because her standards are that of an asian household.
No, man. This is considered on the standards of inner city kids that hate school and corporate America, so the lyfe of hip-hop and dancing is the lyfe for me.
Ahehehehe, you are so stereotypical, Jenn. Gosh, Jenn.
Anyways, getting back on track from my unsettling desires to become the next Dave Chapelle…I guess I really am scared.
I’m scared that I’m going to be that stereotypical case of an adult with a B.A. in English with an emphasis in hypothetically saying creative writing or underwater basket writing, and end up having to work in something totally irrelevant and service industry related; working as a barista at your local Starbucks or going back to oh dear, God…KABUKI.
I don’t want to piss my time and efforts away just so I can fail miserably as an adult with her silly english major and silly, stupid thoughts that she could actually get somewhere in life with that.
Yay, pity party!
And don’t take this the wrong way, current english majors because I’m very close to joining you guys soon if I do get accepted into the major with my cracked out GPA.
I just would love to be that exception that can do anything with her major whether it is going to still be biochemistry or english or communicative disorders.
This really is just going for any major I end up with, and that’s why I’m more comfortable in knowing I much rather work towards a degree with something I want to do.
I’m not going to find future stability in any major, unless you know I’m a computer engineering major…but besides that, I’m ultimately going to find that security I crave for through my own means.
So I’m ok now, I’m ok with coming with terms that I will hopefully declare an English major by the end of this semester.
And that I’m not doing this by being a “cop out” pussy that couldn’t handle the rigorous nature of biochemistry.
I will punch you in the jugular if you are thinking that, and shows how defensive I am.
If anything, I’m being a sell out to my soul or whatever if I chase after a degree that will probably make me age 50 years by the time I’m done, and always wondering to myself during class when times get rough…”What if you did end up pursuing writing, Jenn? What if you didn’t have to struggle in every class anymore, always seeking assistance and actually doing something you feel somewhat comfortable in?”
I want to get back that feeling of accomplishment I used to have with classes in high school…give or take.
And I would love to just pave my own road and nurture myself with creativity and a little more freedom as opposed to staring a hole into a chemistry book and closing it right after because I’m going to “fail anyways”.
Yeah, I’m done with this sadistic behavior upon myself.
I got to keep it more real with you, Jenn Shin. I’ll start doing this for us.
sidenote: Just really wanted to give a cheesy, special thanks to people throughout my life that did encourage me throughout the years from elementary up to this moment of pursuing “things with words”. Maybe that elegant articulation erased all your guys’ encouragement in me, but really thank you so much. You don’t know how happy and teary I get inside to hear that you guys actually like this stuff. STUFF.
It really does keep a person going, and I do apologize if I can’t express my gratitude in a more sincere way. I’m just really shitty at receiving compliments :\
So yes, THANK YOU AGAIN. I love you so much. <3