I wonder if it’s memories that I miss or the actual person.
There’s this person that fell in and out of my life for a looooong time now and I did a lot of reminiscing actually no, not reminiscing. I went and looked through a throwback of my younger years, my thoughts spilled on another blogging domain and MAN OH MAN.
Reading through all that really made me miss the good old days, my friends back from middle school and freshman year of high school, my old self, my old faith in God, and just everything possible that I dug up. HAHA, but that’s the thing. I was able to look at those particular things and miss the memories of having those moments because heck yeah it’s bittersweet that it was good during the time and I lost a lot of it now, but at the same time I don’t feel myself being so hung over it because those are aspects in my life that are still developing and growing just in newer, different ways.
Except for that one exception.
I can’t tell whether it’s the memories with that person that I miss or that person.
I guess I just didn’t realize how great I did have it and how much they really did care.
I don’t know what I was going through to take the gravity of what they would always tell me so lightly, but it probably had a lot to do with the fact that I just didn’t know how to reciprocate to one of the most genuine sort of love and kindness I have ever received in my life.
Now that it’s been past 5 or 6 years is when I’m finally able to see what they meant because I have someone that I’m doing the exact same for, and it scares me to say this because I didn’t even know I would write what I’m about to say…honestly.
But I feel like I now realize it all because in the current time, in this current moment I’m exactly like that person now. In the means that I’m giving someone the same exact kind of love and dedication to, but they’re not quite realizing the full extent into which I do love.
And just like the person from back then, we’re both oblivious to how much more we deserve because all we know what to do is to continue loving that person without ever needing anything back.
And that, that is what is breaking my heart and making me wonder if I miss the memories or the person.
I could apologize and tell you how much I miss having you in my life, but I feel like understanding all this is so much greater than any shallow apology.
But there is no doubt in my mind that I miss you.
I guess I found my answer.