crazy lady needs to go to sleep.

This is giong to be the equivalence of a drunk post because I’m dehydrated, tired, not fully functioning, and writing this at 5:30AM by staying up and not waking up.

Ok good, that’s just a disclaimer so that whoever reads this know that I’m just going to be incessantly babbling about incoherent shit that’s not going to make any sense, offend people, or I don’t know…make me look even more crazy and dry?

Mmmmm, like beef jerkyyy JERKAAAAAY

but ok on a more serious note, I don’t know what I am. LOL
Ok, let me try that again.

I guess I shouldn’t be one to rant about this when I do it ALL THE TIME, but if you know me you know that I have a tendency to say “sorry” all the time.

And people always seem to be rather angry or frustrated that I always say sorry to them but I usually say sorry because in the moment I genuinely feel like, “oh shit, I just burdened them” and so the sorry comes out because well…I’m sorry about being in your way. HAHA
And also I say it for the instances where sorry isn’t necessary because to be honest, it really isn’t a big deal.

But that’s the thing, I’m weird like that. I say sorry when it’s not a big deal because to me it seems to make more sense to say sorry for those minute instances.

On the other hand I don’t like to say sorry when it becomes really serious, when shit really goes down.
Because to me, if I’m going to say sorry to the opposite party then I’m going to say it by fully acknowledging and meaning with every being and fiber in my body that I’m sorry for the action I have caused or whatever words I’ve spewed to them.
I think long and hard about using those sorries because when shit gets real the word sorry isn’t something you just throw around so lightly.

I throw that word around in light situations, but not lightly…let’s just get that right.

If I’m going to say sorry about serious moments then I’m going to think about it once, twice, three times, and more even if the other person doesn’t realize the gravity in which I’m placing on that simple word.

And that is why party people…that is why when shit gets real and my friends, pets, family, significant other, whatever tells me that they’re sorry I just much rather not hear it.
I know they’re sorry, but to me I can’t help but to feel that they’re just saying that because they feel bad.

Feeling bad and feeling sorry is different within my paradigm, and I know it sounds a bit narcissistic and childish but hey…we all do it.
When you’re telling me sorry in a heavy situation it means that you’re actually showing me that you’re sorry by taking further action of NOT doing it the next time around. However, that’s never the case.

I always have people or animals telling me they’re so sorry over and over, yet they do it to me all the time.
It’s probably my fault because I always just tolerate the same thing over and over, keep it locked up inside because I have issues spilling things to people on a more regular basis thus pouring everything out onto an online journal that most likely 1 or 2 other person reads…and usually by accident.

And that, that is the sort of false or true security that allows me to just pour every thought flowing through my mind onto this wordpress because this is it.
This is the real shit that I occasionally try to tell my friends, but my friends being just like me a human being finds it hard to part from their own personal feelings, thoughts, judgments and listening to what I have to tell them because it’s perfectly normal to do just that.
I don’t expect my friends to hang onto my every word and treat it as paid counseling or whatever, that’s just utter bullshit.
I tell them the stuff they don’t want to hear time to time, but I know and they know it’s not really words that’s going to stick with them for awhile or account for their next action when the same shitty situation occurs.

And I’m perfectly ok and fine with that because it’s only right and normal for them to be stubborn and biased, otherwise I wouldn’t be friends with them. I’m not going to be friends and waste my breath/keystrokes/thumbs on soul-less beings that can’t fend for themselves.
I love them for being that way, and I hope they understand that that is why I rather resort talking about my thoughts and opinions on this cozy wordpress because it’s different hearing it from a narrative stance as opposed to a conversational one.
And quite frankly, we don’t need to volley back and forth making sure the other person is still there or listening.

This, this is the liberty and freedom that keeps me sane and fresh to listen to the same old problems over and over because it helps me realize we’re all not so different from one another.
The stuff that I write about aren’t revolutionary topics nor observations of the human race.
It’s not, it’s all just me in all my angsty, tired glory of being the same old human being that I am.

So what I’m getting at is I’m crazy, enjoy ranting, and prefer genuine actions over pretty words.
And p.s. I’m a friend, not a toilet you throw up all your emotions in.


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