a bug crawled up my ass and died in there today.

Let me the bitch that breaks it down because I’m ok with that.

Girls become instantaneously attractive once they put on their make-up and cuter clothes, correction…when they put on their “face” and wear lack of clothes.

Guys become instantaneously hot and out of the friend zone with just a little newfound assertion and smooth talking. Decent looks don’t hurt.

Girls become another option you would never chase when they’re a little smarter, a little more honest, a little more real that the dorky, awkward girl with no fashion sense and a face with a huge zit or many is her. But you know, she’s still a friend.

Guys become non existent in your array of options when they’re too dumb, way too honest that you gained weight, super nerdy, super short, stutters every other word when professing their love to you, or when they smell bad. But you know, he’s still a friend and he’s super nice.

And let me break it down even further and hit a sour note that’s going to make people disagree with me and think I’m a cold blooded jerk that doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

Point A: Guys dig natural girls. Make up? Ugh, please. I want a girl who doesn’t rely on that gunk, a girl that knows how to keep it real because natural beauty is beautiful. Yeah, girls are beautiful without make up and whatever else is kept natural but you would much prefer a girl that can look even better because of a little bit of make up. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t, cause I’m pretty sure if she doesn’t wear make up it’s because she has other assets to aide her greatly.

Point B: Girls love a guy that gets her. But if he’s too honest, not sensitive enough to her own needs…then forget it. A girl doesn’t want a guy that gets her, a girl loves a guy that agrees with her incessantly. A guy that treats her like a queen, like royalty. Because of course it’s written in stone that a girl needs to be treated like the world revolves around her, deserving nothing but the best but you must respect her and treat her like your equal…cause you know, otherwise you’re a misogynist.

Anyone catching onto the irony yet? Or do I ultimately suck at alluding. I guess I have to break it down even further. So here goes, I’m not saying this literary conjunction I conjured up (oooh…alliteration!) holds to the entire male and female population. So don’t do that annoying shit of “OH SO DIS IS HOW U FEEL ABOUT EVERYBODY, WOWOWOOOOOW SO JUDGMENTAL!!!! WHAT ARE YOU, KING OF THE WORLD??!?!??”
No. I’m not. So don’t do that, I’m saying this for the people that DO do this.

So to the fellows and ladies that do do this, what I’m trying to say is that I hate the way you guys think you’re not superficial. That what you’re doing isn’t wrong, and that you’re still a good person at heart and you’re far from shallow, that you’re just being realistic.
Really homie, really? Don’t justify yourself or create yourself into some smart, deep hero. You’re not.
You say you want this or that in a girl or guy, but in reality you end up chasing or ending up with the exact opposite. The people that you say you want are the people you always dismiss and push into the friend zone. And to be honest not even in the friend zone, rather the people you rather not associate with.
And yet you still incessantly complain that you want someone who’s real.

Just stop doing that, just start admitting that you’re a shallow, whiny, hormonal human being that wants someone that looks good AND is good on the inside. You want the whole package, and isn’t that what matters?
But through it all you want someone with a great personality……..ok, I’m just going to let that one simmer on its own.

And while I’m ranting my ass off about stuff that doesn’t even matter because it’s obvious I have issues, GIRLS please stop acting like sex doesn’t matter to you. I know, I know it matters a whole lot to you. I don’t know where this weird ideal that sex equates how sexy a girl is came from…but to be honest, girls don’t need to be hot or attractive to have sex. Guys don’t chase after really good looking girls to have sex with, they chase after any girl they know they have a chance with.
So it’s true, that one reallllllly ugly, fat, smelly girl has just as much of a chance as you of getting laid right after she takes a bath to alleviate the stench. Yeah, maybe your chances are more desirable, but it doesn’t negate the fact that a realllllly ugly, fat, smelly guy wouldn’t want to bone her.
Sex is a biologically inert drive, it’s not a dogma that “ups” your attractiveness…it’s not.
So stop torturing yourself and being attached to a guy solely because he wants to have sex with you, I know…I know you’re going to tell me that you actually have feelings for him you can’t quite seem to push away regardless of how much you try to. Real, genuine feelings of liking him and not just for his dick.
Trust me, I know you’re just bullshitting me. I know it’s because in that moment that he says he wants to have sex with you, you feel wanted. You feel needed, you feel sexy and you love that. You love that you can make him feel good, and it doesn’t hurt that he’s able to do the same for you.
It’s not about you genuinely liking him, it’s you genuinely liking his dick.

So get over being a slut in disguise, we all know the real reason and in the end you’re probably going to end up with an even more broken heart, an STD, or pregnant.
I say this because girls SUCK at separating raw needs and emotions when it comes to sex. They pretend they only want sex, but it’s not that. Girls just can’t help but to mix ugly emotions with sex…that’s just who they are. They feel too much that it’s not just a good dick they feel at the moment, but all the other emotions that come with it and after. Guys are good at just gettin’ some, girls are good at wanting it all.
So just stop, stop letting these kind of guys continue degrading who you are because you’re not smart nor confident enough to determine you’re better than a bootycall.

All right, enough feminist talk.
Guys, you’re not off the hook. All I want to say to you guys is stop saying you’re so nice or that you’re a nice guy.
Your idea of a nice guy must have a lot of flexibility to it, because I see it. I see that you are nice, but there are more genuine and nicer guys than you. Sorry to say that, but it’s true. There’s no doubt that you’re nicer than most guys, but the reality is…every guy says that.
They say, “Man, I’m such an asshole but I’m a pretty nice guy”
I guess guys aren’t able to differentiate between paradoxes in this world and genuinely believe what they’re saying makes sense.
Either way, it truly doesn’t and we all know you’re only a nice guy to girls you have interest in.
So stop saying that, it gets old and annoying when you barely have substance to your words. AND WHINING THAT THERE ARE NO GOOD GIRLS IN THIS WORLD AND THAT THEY’RE ALL TAKEN, shut up.

There are, they’re just not hot.


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