dear God,

I’m trying really hard to listen, God.

and I think this time I actually am, listening to you telling me that I have no chance of going to the Peace Corps right after I graduate.
You’re telling me that education is first, and after 4 years in college getting my BS/BA is when I can actually start getting into the Peace Corps.

Slow down, stop, and wait.

I wanted to abandon tradition, safety, comfort and to actually go out and live a life. To not go to college immediately after high school, and to bring help where help is most needed.
All I want to do is help.
However, thanks God. You’re helping me realize that the one person I actually need to help right now is myself.
I have so many issues that I battle within myself and just end up repressing, that I am in utter denial of the reality.

because I’m always wondering,
“I’m always the black sheep out of family, sometimes out of friends, and someone so common within society.”
“I’m never right for everything else meant for regular people, so I need to be good at the things people don’t touch.”
“Gee, I kind of suck.”

Jenn Shin, what is it that you can do?
Are you meant to live inside a box perfectly or to never adhere nor acknowledge what structure, sanity, and safety is in this world by always putting yourself out there so uncomfortably.
Dear God, what is that I can do for you?