I am SO tired, but I’m not sleepy. Makes sense, right?
I would love to post up some pictures as i normally do with blog entries or well most of ’em, but my internet is SLOWER than ever. I’m just going to let myself pretend to believe that it’s taking eons to load everything including this for the arrival of my new modem.
CROSS YOUR FINGERS WITH ME that the new modem will expedite my internet speed by tons…and i mean tonnnnnnns.
I think this is going to be more of a “God blog” so if you’re already turned off by that phrase right there, it’s all right by all means just pretend like this post never existed ’cause I really do understand.
So for the people or audience of one (that’s me), let us begin.
My walk with God has been way stronger than it has been the past year or I guess two years since it’s 2010 now, and I always have fall outs when it comes to my love and faith for Him. Does anybody feel me out there? One moment you’re completely in love with the man upstairs, praying your heart out every night and just developing this amazing relationship where you find yourself finding joy in so many more things all of a sudden. Then all of that seems to vanish in an instance as you fall away from God for whatever reason, and you’re back to square one as your more badass self, but yet finding yourself more frustrated and actually sadder than before.
I will always keep this quote I heard from church close to my heart,
“You’ll find people that have found and loved God to be the happiest people. They’re the ones that find joy in everything they do when they actually have nothing in this world.”
I mean honestly, that is so true if you experienced it one point in your life.
I’m not going to lie, looking back at the past I was such a happier kid and my optimism was at its prime when my devotion to God was at its strongest. I didn’t even go to church during that time, I took a break from it and developed a relationship with Him that opened so many perspectives and love to me that I never knew I was capable of.
Then all that changed, and I honestly don’t know why.
So here I am, pathetically trying to pick up the pieces again from where I last started. And I’m not talking about the last drastic gap from when I went to church and didn’t, because this is so much more than the attendance of church.
What I’m talking about is actually living my life to the happiness I found in loving and believing in God.
I’m slowly but surely trying to fall back into that jive, and believe me I’m far from it. I do terrible things, I forget about God throughout the day, I let myself be immersed in the worldly things, always worrying about what I can offer on the surface for people that could care less about me. And let’s not forget that I don’t have the cleanest of vocabulary, I found myself holding back a lot lately with cussing and you know I’m trying, but it’s probably something that’s going to be lasting for quite awhile as sad as it sounds, haha.
But my point is regardless of all that, I’m actually happy that I find myself turning to God about what the heck is in store for me.
That for once I’m not getting so frustrated with myself, bashing myself on what a failure I am and how much better I could have done at this or that. No, instead I’m just accepting the situations as the way it is right now and asking and wondering to God of what it is He wants for me.
I know throughout my lifetime I’m never going to know what He actually intended, and I know I’m probably never going to be the holiest person out there or anything close to that and that’s exactly what I want.
I don’t need people to look at me and go, “Yeah, she’s a hardcore Christian” ’cause quite frankly that would make me feel awkward.
I don’t need all that, ’cause this is personal. This is a relationship I want to be kept low key, because it’s just that personal.