Wishful thinking.

It’s Christmas, so a Merry Christmas to everybody out there! :)
I always joke about how that’s going to be me at a sexy Christmas party, except I didn’t even know they had actual costumes for it. Damn.

Man, the condition of my room really does reflect what occurs in my life. As of right now it’s WWIII, and I allowed for it to get messier and messier because that’s exactly how things in my life as of right now are developing and unfolding. I’m letting things pile up into bigger things, all this commotion in my life from every possible corner just seems to be creeping up and pouncing on me, haha. And that’s exactly what’s going on with my room, I’m ignoring the obvious growth of disorder to keep growing and spread out as I crawl into my bed, pushing off all the crap on it to just hope that once I go to sleep in that brief moment everything is going to be all right.
But that’s all I’m doing, ignoring the obvious wrong things in my life and I’m going to man up to it and clean up my act which is why I’m going to clean my room from start to finish today.

I’m going to be honest, I’m a person that will share a lot with you when I feel comfortable and close enough but I realize I have so many pent up thoughts, feelings, desires, and secrets that I keep from everybody else because I find myself not even knowing what the hell runs through my head. I hate feeling vulnerable and helpless to all the people I care about in this world and strangers, because I want people to look at me and know that I can carry myself. And I realize once they hit that realization, they begin not worrying about me as much and cha ching, I won.
Nah, I really didn’t.
I have a big pride, I always worry about other people, I do unnecessary things, I’m the person that I am because you mean so much more to me than myself. I don’t want to say I feed off other people’s happiness, because I don’t. I don’t need someone else’s happiness in order for me to be happy, but when you’re upset I want to do what I can to make you feel better. That’s why it always kills me inside when my friends, family, significant others are hurting especially because of me.
I’m beginning to realize maybe I bring a lot more worry to people than consolation that I’m going to be fine.
And that’s why I want to know what runs through your head, how your day went, what is it inside that’s tearing you apart and making you feel the worst feelings in this world simply because you’re afraid.
I hope you guys realize that once I confide in you saying that you’re my friend, especially a close one that I’m going to do everything that I can to keep you. You won’t have to worry about how I feel, how I’ll react, what I’m going to think because life is meant to be this way.
We’re meant to think bad thoughts, feel the wrong emotions, wanting what we can’t have because we’re made this way. Humans by nature aren’t meant to be the prettiest things out there in this world, so it’s only natural for us to be just downright mean at times.
However, being able to get past such natural feelings and stepping over to boundaries of doing the right thing, the good thing, being genuinely kind is what I call amazing.
And all of us, even including myself are capable of doing the amazing things in a life that honestly is too short for everything and anything.
I don’t know about you and you, but I want to be amazing, I want to accomplish the greater things that even when unspoken I just know feels right.
Oh, how intuition is a strong trait.
So hear me out and help me out with my ultimatum in life. We’ll get past the shitty moments in life, because it really isn’t all that bad. The things we worry about can’t even compare to other people suffering with a reality we can’t even imagine to lay our fingers on, for it’ll immediately slip away from our touch.
And so I’ll end it with this.
I’m so sorry to the people I hurt, frustrated, worried. Please don’t ever hesitate when it comes to me, and although I’m not an amazing person or friend I do work my ass off to protect you and love you.


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