Go figure, I can’t go to sleep even though I should be seeing as to how I need to wake up in about 4 hours.
It’s all good though, reallyyy. I’m so excited for the Key Club event to shop with an amazing kid that I’m going to bond with and have memories of in a duration of 3 hours or so, that probably will not remember me ever again. HAHA, story of my life?
Well, the point that I’m really trying to get at is that for awhile now I’ve always thought that I’m not necessarily “girly“.
And in middle school I completely embraced the image of being a tomboy, I embraced it so much to the extent of forming a contract with my best friend at the time to NEVER wear the pink unless we were forced to by our legal guardians/entities.
We signed that damn contract, and I felt a wave of relief overwhelm me that pink would never enter my life ’cause it is suuuuuch a ghastly color, right?
Time moves on, I grow up and I start becoming girlier in terms of how I dress and up to this very moment my style has completely taken a drastic turn from 6 years ago because I really do believe I dress like an actual girl. Although I have days where I dress pretty androgynous, my closet now consists of a solid 97% of it being clothes made for girls.
However, the appearance of looking like a girl could only suffice for so long. I realized that now I think more like a guy in certain aspects compared to other girls, and that my interests really do differ from the typical girl. I’m talking about girls, girls.
And honestly, it never really bothered me as a middle schooler, freshman, sophmore, and then you hit junior year and now and it slowly started becoming more and more evident that I became “one of the guys”. What girl wouldn’t want to be one of the guys? It’s a breath of fresh air, and sorry girls but guys really are more enjoyable to talk to at times because I actually find that I have a lot more stimulating conversations with guys than girls. And the girl friends that I keep really closely to me and find myself confiding to are probably only 4 girls that are nothing like the typical girls I run into.
Thus, I became a bit frustrated because something must be wrong with me, i’m never going to be seen as desirable if I ever jump back into the single pool, I get used by other girls for my guy friends, etc. etc. etc.
The negatives just seemed to overwhelm the once positive things I held onto and cherished so much as a tomboy.
However, after the talk I had with my ex tonight I think it really put things into perspective and really showed me that what I’ve been worrying about is completely stupid, illogical, and irrelevant.
What changed my mind?
matt: not at all
matt: “i only really have guy friends because i cant stand girls”
Yes, we’re an ex boyfriend and girlfriend to each other but we ended up being one of those rare cases of the whole, “but let’s still stay friends”. And yes, we both have different people we absolutely love who we couldn’t have asked for more in this world. :)
So thank you Matt, for finally putting my worried mind at rest about that stupid problem. I think it really struck a chord because of what I bolded from that conversation (go figure), because I always wondered why you were so bitter and hostile toward me in that one point of our friendship and now I know it’s simply because you thought I changed into a different person – a real girl.
HAHA, I’m just playing around but it really did hit home. And a big thank you to my friends that I have thrown on this as well, at the moment I didn’t believe you guys but I was in the wrong and you were indeed right.