Dear Ed,

Dear Ed,

I’m writing you this letter because I feel like it would be the most efficient and comprehensive way of getting my point(s) across to you.

I know if I try and explain it over the phone and stuff the emotion monster inside of me comes creeping out, choking my throat and poking my eyes to deliberately make me cry and choke up. So yeah, just explaining that tidbit and that it’s not really me that’s performing these actions that you hate and get irritated so much, but an emotion monster dwelling inside of me like the movie, “Insidious” but then again the monster was dwelling around him so idk, just try and use it as a similar comparison, ok?

I think that blurb sums up greatly about how I react to problems. It’s sort of a vulnerable side to me, and I know to you it seems like I’m fucking amazing at pouring my problems, thoughts, feelings, issues, whatever onto you and could have my own show and tell for the rest of year talking about it.
But in reality I’m not like this at all.
I get so uncomfortable having to talk about the real issues in my life, and when I do in those rare instances it just gets way too overbearingly emotional for me that I want to hurry up and retreat and hope that I won’t have to talk about it again in 5 years or something.
So I guess with you it’s an ordeal where I straight up feel comfortable being able to come to you with all my problems, and I acknowledge that I come to you with a lot of my problems and rants because I don’t evenly spread it out amongst the people I know.
I know in your head you’re probably thinking, “Why can’t she just go to her friends instead?”
And I told you numerous times why I can’t, and my answer has always been, “I just can’t“.
And then you just take it for an answer, but not the truth.
It really is the truth, and I do take it to heart when you get frustrated and explain to me it’s difficult for you to “fix” your problems because that’s just who you are. Oh god, I hella didn’t want to write that line because I was trying so hard to avoid the image of Bruno Mars but it had to be done. fuck.
Anyways, yeah. You’re always telling me it’s just who you are and why can’t I accept it, and you know what…same goes back to you, mister. I JUST CAN’T, IT’S JUST WHO I AM AIGHT?????!?!?!??!

But yeah, I guess that transitions really well onto the next endless list of things I have problem talking to you about.
Communication.
We talk in some sort of form of communication everyday being a long distance relationship and all, we got that down to a point no questions asked with flying colors right?
But I think you can agree with me when the quality of our communication is pretty much poor.
Hella quantity, not enough good quality it’s like eating Taco Bell instead of King Taco and we just end up eating Taco Bell cause it’s more convenient and cheaper to get most of the time. I don’t know, quite frankly I know you would frequent King Taco more than Taco Bell if King Taco actually existed in Washington, but that’s pretty far from the point. I thought it was a damn good comparison, aight?
So I guess what I’m proposing for our poor quality control of conversations is to not always talk about what we did, what happened to us as the breadth of our conversation but rather to use that as an appetizer to our A+++ quality conversation that’s about to ensue.
I guess our breadth of the conversation should be wondering about each other, about us, engaging the other into the conversation rather than doing the work for the other person…I hope you’re following.
Basically like we’re learning about each other again, because I know despite the endless times we said we know each other well and think that we do…I’m pretty sure we don’t know the ins and outs of each other THAT well. Yeah, I’ll admit to it and I hope you can too in your low key way, and I honestly think it would be exciting and fun to know more and more stuff about each other we thought we already exhausted within 4 years.
I don’t believe in “running out of things to talk about” when a relationship gets stagnant, we have shit tons to talk about we just probably feel like the other person isn’t interested because all we do do is talk about the same old shit all the time. And then we get frustrated because that’s all the other person talks about, and we haven’t really done anything to fix this conundrum. So yeah, let us be proactive and really aim towards this.

Ok…one thing I actually feel uncomfortable to share about is your pride issue.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I have a pride issue too but I’ll shove it if I need to because of empathy/sympathy all that good stuff right?
But I feel like your pride issue isn’t even an issue anymore, I feel like it became an ingrained characteristic to who “Ed Park” is and I know, I just know it’s one of those “things that make you who you are” that can be sort of modified for me.
WOWWWWWWWWwWWWWW that was hella weird to say, I’m sorry to bluntly be selfish and ask you to change something you’ve been living with for so long just for…me. But agh, I just feel like if I can do it for you because I genuinely feel bad, sorry, whatever it is for hurting your feelings my pride just isn’t worth you being continually upset for.
And I hope that you can see you toning down your pride in that light as well, that the reason I get more angry, frustrated, upset when we do argue about whatever it is is because I never once actually heard you say, sorry.
It’s just one word, a loaded word but just one. Granted, I want you to be able to say it with meaning but I guess hearing it from you and not asking you would mean its in its most genuine form.
I’m not saying you never say sorry, because you say sorry when you accidentally hit me, steal my food, step on me, or whatevs but I’m saying for those big ticket issues that makes us argue.
Ok yeah, I know in an argument there is no real winner or “right or wrong” because both parties are obviously going to feel that they’re right no matter what thus ensuing into an argument in the first place, but I guess the form of some sort of apology would do for me.
That’s all it really takes to bring me back down to reality with you, just seeing some sort of compassion because I’m really hoping after all these years I’m a bit different and that I’m able to sort of bend some expectations because our relationship becomes worth it.
I know that’s part of the reason why I don’t always think I’m right when we argue as much as I would love to, because I need to understand you as well and that’s when I realize we were both pretty stupid.

But I know you think I’m being irrational and you’re always right, and I’m not saying you have a messiah-complex although I did say that out of instantaneous frustration. I’m just saying you can’t always be right. I can’t always be right. People just can’t generally always be right, but that shouldn’t be the point to win some fucking trophy of righteousness. Although that would be pretty awesome, not going to lie.
OK HONESTLY I DON’T KNOW HOW FAR YOU WOULD READ, I’m going to doubt you read it this far but I ain’t gonna make a tl;dr because this isn’t something I can just make “easy”. These are real, fucking raw human emotions pieced together with a lot of effort in hopes of being comprehensive and efficient.

Ok but going on to the other point, trophy of righteousness. Right.
The point isn’t to win this trophy, the point in the end isn’t the point in the end. Damn, deep.
The point is how we even got to arguing about it in the first place, taking a step back, a step forward and trying to take a deep breath understanding why the person is so angry.
I feel that this would apply greatly to any argument with anyone, for I’m pretty sure heated, personal arguments occur for some sort of pent up repression turned into projection of the deep, dark feelings the person is harboring about the other person. I’m pretty sure we need to be figuring out why the other person is feeling like that no matter how much it hurts. It’s funny how people are so quick to judge themselves negatively, incessantly talking about how shitty of a person they are and letting it haunt them for God knows how long, but when a person ends up confessing to them what it is about them they don’t like…they just go all out ape-shit.
It’s like yo, you always baggin’ on yourself and the one time or couple times someone pitches in to your constant self-hatred it’s not ok? Hmh.
But in all honesty and understanding, I realize it’s because we’re just defensive creatures by nature. It’s ok for us to say all the things wrong with us, but the moment we hear it from someone else our world comes crashing down because whether we like to admit it or not we secretly hate ourselves to better ourselves for people to simply like us. It just hurts having to hear the truth, and it just tends to be the sort of truth that’s hard to swallow and a lot of people can’t accept living on with; denial that people should accept them regardless of how fucked up they are or not.

And quite frankly I think that’s a rather selfish way to live and think, which is why, Ed (I’m redirecting this to you) if we get into a heated argument and I ask you, “∫ oh shit DID I JUST MAKE A MOTHERFUCKING INTEGRAL NOTATION WITHOUT TRYING?????
omg, I’m freaking out but anyways sorry. Let me try that again.
and I ask you, “…ok one more time. I blanked out cause I kept looking at the integral.
and I ask you, “Tell me why you’re mad” and you say, “No, you’re just going to get mad”
OK FIRST, LOOOOOL. BRO, I’M ALREADY MAD JUST LET THE RAGE BURN WHILE IT IS!!!
Just tell me, it’s ok. I say that so many times and you don’t believe me so many times because I do get hurt. But dude, that’s just a part of the whole my egocentric being being hurt and chipped at even though I know what a bitch I’m being.
But trust me, I never count you against for telling me the truth. I appreciate it, and ultimately I just want to be a better person for you to be with and I really need you to want that ultimatum as well.

It’s going to hurt, it’s probably going to continue hurting, but eventually we’re going to get over it and probably start up a new problem and issue to constantly find ourselves fighting about.
And that’s what I want to eliminate and change for future instances, so that we can get over it and not circlejerk again.

I know we can do this, I believe in you a lot. I really do, and maybe I just poured out too much but let’s see what happens?

there’s nothing like cigarettes to calm you down after shitty news that can’t get any fucking better.

YAY!

Restored!

My faith in humanity is RESTORED, thanks to reddit.

HAHA I’m just blown away by the reddit community and how they helped Lucas’ family out with his transplant and recovery, they’re just so awesome and makes me so happy in not only wasting all my free time on reddit but the fact that people are indeed good.

I absolutely LOVE taking pictures of my adorable cousin <3

The concept of good has always been a controversial one, a topic that people tend to feel rather bitter and cynical about because everyone tends to think good stems from the satisfaction and “fuzzy feeling” the person gets from doing nice things.
I can’t argue with that, it’s a really valid point and I’m pretty sure there are a handful of people out there that do good things because it makes them feel good.

HOWEVER, I am even more confident that people do good things just because. Not because they want the modest glory of the samaritan deeds they performed for the day, announcing it to everyone they know so everyone can continue further praising and gushing over this kind, kind samaritan.
A lot of people just want to naturally help others out. Altruism at its finest? I’m not too sure, but let these nice people just continue doing what they’re doing cause you sure as hell aren’t helping the situation by harping on them.

I don’t know why people need to be so skeptical of nice people, as if being nice is some weird facade and illusion that can only last so long before the person “breaks”.
Honestly, I do feel like there is a fine line between acting nice and being nice.
Everyone can act nice, it’s not hard. We do it all the time without realizing it because we’re the nicest to the people we either hate the most or know the least.  Yet being genuinely nice is something really different and rather hard to come by when there’s nothing but pure intentions in their doing.
It doesn’t matter if the person in general seems cold and “mean”, they probably are really nice at heart (yeah, I said it) by the actions they perform to not only strangers but the people they love but it’s just hard to decipher this sort of “love”.
It’s funny how the perception of kindness always somehow correlates to interactions with strangers, when in reality it should be performed to everybody.

So from my objective view, if I see you handing out a dollar to a homeless person of course I’m going to give you some street cred but that won’t epitomize kindness to me. I just need to know your intentions are there and not because you feel guilt from consuming so much when people are out there consuming so little. I don’t know, I really can’t comprehend as to what I’m getting at but I guess what I really wanted to hit is that kindness isn’t dead, being nice isn’t fake, and pretty much anyone is a nice person in different aspects.
We’re definitely far from utopia, and we definitely achieved being a rather fucked up world; but that should never discourage someone from doing some sort of good.
Your efforts don’t go wasted. Even if nobody can pat you on the back for what you did, the person that you helped out are the ones forever grateful of your moment of kindness. That should honestly be more than enough and the only real incentive of why good people do what they do, it’s not for them, you, me, or whoever. It’s for the person that really needs it and we all need help.
Starting to see the circle that needs to keep on giving?

Everything will be ok,

I just need to remind myself that everything will be ok.

Ever since this summer it’s been a hodgepodge of awesome events and not so awesome events. Of course I’m going to be focusing and immersing myself into the happy, ecstatic feelings but it’s always the unfortunate events that actually do stay and somehow hinder you every single day.

It’s funny how that works, how happiness and shit just being great and dandy or even normal has to be a glimmering hope type of ordeal. Sadness and shit to be frank is a day to day thing we just got to live with.
The other big unfortunate event that I’ve been having to deal with every single day and probably for the rest of my life isn’t really what I’m ready to share on even on this site where I pour most of what I can’t put anywhere else somewhat public…haha. But today I got into an accident, an accident involving 3 other parties and I’m not going to go much further about it because who knows, the world is crazy nowadays with the internet especially so the 3 other people involved can probably research this shit and use it against me or whatever if I continue talking about the accident. Maybe I’m just paranoid but I’m going to justify it by being smart and not being able to trust people too easily…all right?

Haha, it’s pretty obvious I’m a bit incoherent or a jumbled mess but basically I’m just not in a good spot in my life right now. Yet at the same time I feel like I really am past all the shitty events that always need to occur since Day 1 of the birth of Jennifer H. Shin.

I pride myself in being notoriously unlucky, I mean Murphy’s Law ain’t got shit on me it should honestly be re-named to J $HINNIDAY LAW but whatevs…I don’t have the power to change such an age old expression/law/superstition. But yeah what I meant to be getting at is that I’m just so accustomed to being ridiculously unlucky that I found the best coping mechanism to deal with all the ridiculous shit in my life is to just keep announcing to the world (my friends) that I’m SOOO unlucky. I just want to apologize in advance and for in the past of always saying it, I know it gets annoying but just know that if you ever happen to run into this that it’s because deep down I really do hate the bad things that happen to me but realize humor and facing it really is so much better than being all upset and ape shit over it.

So what I’m trying to get at is that yes I’m sad, yes I’m worried, yes I’m anxious, yes I’m stressed, yes I want to crawl into bed with my kitty Hops forever and never come out, yes I want to give up.
But I can’t because I can’t help but to laugh and cry in joy that God really is putting his lovely hand over me. I’m a person that loves coincidences or better yet God’s “signs” and before I was going to write a post I pulled up a new tab in my browser to find the playlist Nicky sent to me via stumbleupon and I had to click on the stumbleupon icon in order to open the toolbar…yet lo and behold for the first time ever it stumbled me instantaneously to a randomass page and I could not have been more thankful for this page. Here is what not I stumble to but life/God made me stumble to:

I’m just so loved to have run into this out of nowhere.
It really isn’t that relevant to my situation when you think about it but it really does hit home in that I can’t help but to feel like God is telling me all the tribulations I’m facing throughout my life really aren’t the big, important factors that determines what life is going to continue being like for me. I don’t need to be wasting my time nor worrying about these things.
Yeah, it’s inevitable that I’m going to and I’m not going to delude myself into thinking I can always be a worry-free, gung ho positive about life sort of person day in and day out but I feel safe in knowing God has got this. Knowing that yes I’m going to have to be the one dealing with all the consequences in my life and having to deal with the hardships first hand, but that’s just the way it is.

We’re never going to know why good or bad people in this world have to go through more sad events in life as opposed to happier ones, but what we do know is that there never is an end. There never really is an end to all these shitty moments in life that really breaks a person apart, and quite frankly it seems like a lot of what we do to cope is to push it to the back of our mind, never talk about it, and only let it haunt our own minds because that’s where it seems to belong the best. And I guess a lot of people turn insane from letting such horrid thoughts and insecurities overflow their mind, but honestly I can only hope one day that people will realize that there really is no point.

Don’t overburden yourself with situations that either ended or never are going to seem to end. And if a situation does have an answer then it’s just a given for you as a responsible individual to perform that situation. If you’re miserable because you’re dwelling and being too chicken shit to deal with things then you deserve being as miserable as you are. I’m sorry to sound so harsh but that’s the harsh reality because I have so much faith in people that they truly are so much better than what they cut themselves out to be.

Everyone I know ranging from very close relationships to one time encounters, I just know that they are good at least one thing and good to one thing. That’s more than enough for me to consider them an amazing person and give them the benefit of the doubt that they have the potential to overcome whatever it is burdening their life. Granted, we can’t do things alone. Reaching out for help is one of the best solutions anyone can do in this world, and how to do it I just don’t have the answer for. It’s something I really need to work on and implement as a sort of natural instinct.

So yeah, I have a lot of things to work on and I have so much to look forward to. I just wanted to tell myself to trust God, relax, calm down, stay strong, keep moving forward, don’t stay stagnant, pray everyday, and remember that God is going to make everything ok in your life Jenn Shin. Don’t worry, let go of things and let Him take care of you. You’ll see things fall into place the way they’re supposed to be, you’re not going to like it and are going to feel so broken by it but remember that it’s never going to be the end of the world due to unfortunate mishaps.

Money, grades, people, whatever it is these are simply tangible aspects in life that will never determine how happy or well you’re doing in life. Happiness is simply being and feeling happy, not by the result of external sources creating a chemical response in your brain that is then sent out to the rest of your body. That’s simply called a high.

Remember that, you’ll be fine kiddo. God loves you. As cheesy and bumper stickerish that sounds, I know you’re going to look back on this and smile and know God is going to love you so much more than anyone ever can in this world. You got this, don’t let me down.

is it weird,

Is it weird that if I have some funky health side effect that isn’t super life threatening I’ll try to experiment myself for at least 2 weeks to a month before going to the doctor for a diagnosis?

Idk what it is, it’s not really pride since why the hell would I want to out diagnosis someone that actually did the work and attended medical school to be licensed to do what they’re supposed to. I guess it’s more of a sick, sick interest.

An interest in experimenting and seeing if I can get better simply by being supremely technical and meticulous. Oops, guess that does sound like pride.
HAR DEE HAR HAR.

Let’s see if after a month from now my side effect goes away…if not, I’m going to be bald by then and utterly screwed myself over. Shit.

taking a break,

Just taking a break from the ultimate procrastination of math that could be performed which probably is just further hurting my chances of doing really well on my exam tomorrow…HA HA HA. oh well, I need to get the hw credit i skimped out on the last exam.

I CAN DO THIS. must do well. caffeine don’t fail me tomorrow morning when I really need you. I better not blank out the moment the exam is handed to me.

anyhoo, just wanted to use this little refreshing change of scenery from all numbers to word to simply say thanks for everything that you do. I sometimes forget along the line of so many days and years with you of how much you actually do give a damn about me.
It’s so easy for people to always gravitate toward themselves being the primary caretaker and giver just because they never hear a thank you or an I love you enough from the other person. However, we always tend to forget it’s not easy for everyone to verbalize their feelings and appreciation for anyone in general no matter how much they care about them. Sometimes it’s something that can only be spit out once in awhile, in that special occasion and that’s what makes writing that all down so beautiful.
Words are awesome. Words are permanent once written down and it’s permanently written down for a reason, a reason for us to go back to remember and be reminded that we are loved. That we are appreciated, we just can’t hear it all the time or as much as we want because it just doesn’t work that way.

So don’t lose heart in the future, remember that he loves you just as much as you love him. He just shows it differently from you, and maybe even better since actions are what he chose over using pretty words to express his love for you.

Remember that, don’t forget.
That’s why I’m writing this down permanently. Heeteeheetee.

I wonder if it’s memories that I miss or the actual person.

There’s this person that fell in and out of my life for a looooong time now and I did a lot of reminiscing actually no, not reminiscing. I went and looked through a throwback of my younger years, my thoughts spilled on another blogging domain and MAN OH MAN.

Reading through all that really made me miss the good old days, my friends back from middle school and freshman year of high school, my old self, my old faith in God, and just everything possible that I dug up. HAHA, but that’s the thing. I was able to look at those particular things and miss the memories of having those moments because heck yeah it’s bittersweet that it was good during the time and I lost a lot of it now, but at the same time I don’t feel myself being so hung over it because those are aspects in my life that are still developing and growing just in newer, different ways.

Except for that one exception.
I can’t tell whether it’s the memories with that person that I miss or that person.
I guess I just didn’t realize how great I did have it and how much they really did care.
I don’t know what I was going through to take the gravity of what they would always tell me so lightly, but it probably had a lot to do with the fact that I just didn’t know how to reciprocate to one of the most genuine sort of love and kindness I have ever received in my life.
Now that it’s been past 5 or 6 years is when I’m finally able to see what they meant because I have someone that I’m doing the exact same for, and it scares me to say this because I didn’t even know I would write what I’m about to say…honestly.
But I feel like I now realize it all because in the current time, in this current moment I’m exactly like that person now. In the means that I’m giving someone the same exact kind of love and dedication to, but they’re not quite realizing the full extent into which I do love.
And just like the person from back then, we’re both oblivious to how much more we deserve because all we know what to do is to continue loving that person without ever needing anything back.

And that, that is what is breaking my heart and making me wonder if I miss the memories or the person.
I could apologize and tell you how much I miss having you in my life, but I feel like understanding all this is so much greater than any shallow apology.
But there is no doubt in my mind that I miss you.

I guess I found my answer.

crazy lady needs to go to sleep.

This is giong to be the equivalence of a drunk post because I’m dehydrated, tired, not fully functioning, and writing this at 5:30AM by staying up and not waking up.

Ok good, that’s just a disclaimer so that whoever reads this know that I’m just going to be incessantly babbling about incoherent shit that’s not going to make any sense, offend people, or I don’t know…make me look even more crazy and dry?

Mmmmm, like beef jerkyyy JERKAAAAAY

but ok on a more serious note, I don’t know what I am. LOL
Ok, let me try that again.

I guess I shouldn’t be one to rant about this when I do it ALL THE TIME, but if you know me you know that I have a tendency to say “sorry” all the time.

And people always seem to be rather angry or frustrated that I always say sorry to them but I usually say sorry because in the moment I genuinely feel like, “oh shit, I just burdened them” and so the sorry comes out because well…I’m sorry about being in your way. HAHA
And also I say it for the instances where sorry isn’t necessary because to be honest, it really isn’t a big deal.

But that’s the thing, I’m weird like that. I say sorry when it’s not a big deal because to me it seems to make more sense to say sorry for those minute instances.

On the other hand I don’t like to say sorry when it becomes really serious, when shit really goes down.
Because to me, if I’m going to say sorry to the opposite party then I’m going to say it by fully acknowledging and meaning with every being and fiber in my body that I’m sorry for the action I have caused or whatever words I’ve spewed to them.
I think long and hard about using those sorries because when shit gets real the word sorry isn’t something you just throw around so lightly.

I throw that word around in light situations, but not lightly…let’s just get that right.

If I’m going to say sorry about serious moments then I’m going to think about it once, twice, three times, and more even if the other person doesn’t realize the gravity in which I’m placing on that simple word.

And that is why party people…that is why when shit gets real and my friends, pets, family, significant other, whatever tells me that they’re sorry I just much rather not hear it.
I know they’re sorry, but to me I can’t help but to feel that they’re just saying that because they feel bad.

Feeling bad and feeling sorry is different within my paradigm, and I know it sounds a bit narcissistic and childish but hey…we all do it.
When you’re telling me sorry in a heavy situation it means that you’re actually showing me that you’re sorry by taking further action of NOT doing it the next time around. However, that’s never the case.

I always have people or animals telling me they’re so sorry over and over, yet they do it to me all the time.
It’s probably my fault because I always just tolerate the same thing over and over, keep it locked up inside because I have issues spilling things to people on a more regular basis thus pouring everything out onto an online journal that most likely 1 or 2 other person reads…and usually by accident.

And that, that is the sort of false or true security that allows me to just pour every thought flowing through my mind onto this wordpress because this is it.
This is the real shit that I occasionally try to tell my friends, but my friends being just like me a human being finds it hard to part from their own personal feelings, thoughts, judgments and listening to what I have to tell them because it’s perfectly normal to do just that.
I don’t expect my friends to hang onto my every word and treat it as paid counseling or whatever, that’s just utter bullshit.
I tell them the stuff they don’t want to hear time to time, but I know and they know it’s not really words that’s going to stick with them for awhile or account for their next action when the same shitty situation occurs.

And I’m perfectly ok and fine with that because it’s only right and normal for them to be stubborn and biased, otherwise I wouldn’t be friends with them. I’m not going to be friends and waste my breath/keystrokes/thumbs on soul-less beings that can’t fend for themselves.
I love them for being that way, and I hope they understand that that is why I rather resort talking about my thoughts and opinions on this cozy wordpress because it’s different hearing it from a narrative stance as opposed to a conversational one.
And quite frankly, we don’t need to volley back and forth making sure the other person is still there or listening.

This, this is the liberty and freedom that keeps me sane and fresh to listen to the same old problems over and over because it helps me realize we’re all not so different from one another.
The stuff that I write about aren’t revolutionary topics nor observations of the human race.
It’s not, it’s all just me in all my angsty, tired glory of being the same old human being that I am.

So what I’m getting at is I’m crazy, enjoy ranting, and prefer genuine actions over pretty words.
And p.s. I’m a friend, not a toilet you throw up all your emotions in.

pinky promise

After I get over my cold, yeah got another one…again HAHA

this is just more of a promise to myself than some post for others to gain out of (obviously), but from now on I’m going to make sure to walk/jog/run by myself or with my dog(s) for at least 30 minutes.

MINIMUM 30 MINUTES.

this is obviously going to be healthy for me in various ways, and mostly because I need an outlet for all the pent up shit I keep inside instead of letting it grow and grow inside which leads to more stress and more weight gain.

I just want to be happy, so I need to stick to this no matter what! :)
As soon as I get over my cold I can’t wait.

promise me this, Jenn Shin.

I thoroughly

screwed myself over for this semester, finals week, etc.

BLAH! :(